REPOST: JILL

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Listening to Jill speak was intense. All of our eyes were on her. It was so hard to believe that this individual could have a problem like an eating disorder. She is intelligent, thin, pretty, funny, and charismatic. There was only one disturbing part… each of us could find a part of ourselves in Jill’s story. Whether it be a bad experience at the pediatrician or emotional eating, we all can empathize with what she went through.
I found a lot of aspects of my life where I could identify with Jill. She spoke of her Irish dancing and it's toll on her body. My sport of choice was swimming. Swimmers are not supposed to be fat people, so I fit in there. I was aware that kids pointed at the fat kids, and “ooooed” at the big splashes they made. (which I’m sure were about the same as everyone else’s) However, I suffered from hypothermic episodes because of my low body fat and was forced to take special drinks during practice to keep me from losing weight. You could see every muscle, every vein under my freckled skin. I soon learned that I might as well have been the fat kid because I was a freak too.
Most people don’t see thinness as a problem, but it is. Instead of growing wider I grew taller. By 3rd grade I was 48 inches….and 48 pounds. I was embarrassed by my “skinniness.” Kids called me string bean, bean pole, gangly, monkey, and adults stared at me like I should have been on a Christian Children’s Fund Commercial with Amazing Grace playing in the background. This was also when biker shorts and crotch-snap body suits were the trendy, and I couldn’t fit in. My biker shorts looked like basketball shorts, and because I was so long body I had to go up in size, which made my body suits look like a tucked in t-shirt.
Clothing remained an issue, in 7th grade, I was 5’7” with double D breasts and I wore a size 14 Limited Too kids pant. I remember my best friend got her first pair of L.E.I. jeans and their were size 7. I tried them on every time I went to her house but they never fit. The smallest junior size was a 1 at this point and I would swim in them. So I had to settle for capri pants before they were even popular because any kids pants were too short for me. For most of the year I wore shorts or long skirts my grandma would alter for me, because this was before there were long lengths in jeans. In college finally filled out a little, but thankfully there are many more options for me today.
The hardest part of my appearance was my Mom. She is 4'11" and plump partly because of a childhood growth problem. We look nothing alike, and people would ask her if I was adopted, if my dad was previously married, or if I was one of her nieces. When they would find out I hers, reactions ranged from gasps to odd looks. Each time a piece of her crumbled, but she never said a word. All I wanted to do was look like I belonged to my family.
I found myself in Jill’s story because her insecurities were the sources of her problems. Her doctor told her she was chubby, and mine showed me a box chart that explained that I was “Oddly” skinny. Telling a child she is odd in any aspect of life, especially at 8 will certainly have repercussions. Like Jill I won’t use a scale because I don’t want to know if I have fluctuated, plus I don’t need a scale, if my pants fit then I’m the right size.
She also mentioned about her emotional NOT-eating. I’m exactly the same way. My parents and friends can always tell when something is not right because I basically deflate. It’s not intentional; it’s just that my sadness, anxiety, anger, fear, whatever it may be consumes any ounce of hunger. I don’t consider it an eating disorder because I’m not doing it to lose weight, for control, or with any ulterior motive. It’s never for more than a few days anyway.
What was inspirational was the fact that she overcame her problem and turned it into something useful. I respect her for using her experiences to help others and inform people that you don’t have to be crazy to have an eating disorder. I may have not been the fat kid, but I was the skinny kid either way you aren’t normal.